Aminet 1 (Walnut Creek)/Aminet - June 1993 [Walnut Creek].iso/aminet/text/misc/danbarrhumor.lzh/b/b.19

Internet Message Format | 1992-07-08 | 9KB

From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: MONTHLY POSTING:  BLAZEMONGER cheat sheet
Summary: Everything you ever wanted to know about BLAZEMONGER but the truth
Keywords: squirrel cha-cha
Date: 8 Jul 92 21:13:59 GMT

            The BLAZEMONGER Cheat Sheet
                Version 666
                 July 1992

           With your host... Bobby BlazeBleeder!

    Hey, BLAZE ON, DOODZ!!  Here's your monthly JOLT of BLAZEMONGER
cheats!!  So, get ready, fire up those DISASSEMBLERS and SOLDERING IRONS,
and pay attention!

    First, put the BLAZEMONGER Master Disk in your Amiga and press
Ctrl-A-A to boot up.  Slightly before you finish pressing the last "Amiga"
key, the screen will briefly display the words "GAME OVER" -- ignore this,
as it is normal to lose several games of BLAZEMONGER before the boot
cycle begins.

    Now, watch carefully.  During the boot sequence, you will see a
totally blank screen for approximately 1 tenth of a second.  THIS IS YOUR
CHANCE!  Quickly, hold down both mouse buttons, all five joystick buttons,
all ten function keys, all the alphanumeric keys EXCEPT for 'k', place your
tongue carefully into DF1:, and HOLD STILL.

    [A few notes:  first of all, resist the urge simply to remove the 'k'
    key and then sit on the keyboard.  IT WON'T WORK!  BLAZEMONGER will
    be able to tell you are cheating and will give you a large, electric
    shock right up the butt!  (OOOEEE, that smarts!)  You have to do it
    the hard way.  Also, eat some pizza and drink a few bottles of cheap
    soda before doing this, so your tongue is better equipped to provide
    the essential hacker nutrients to the little BLAZEMONGER demons in
    your computer.]

    For the first minute, nothing will seem to happen.  (In fact, the
game will begin playing its introductory animation normally.)  But after
exactly 66 seconds, the screen will go blank, a 140-decibel explosion will
sound from the audio outputs, and black slime will begin to pour out from
DF1:.  (KEEP THAT TONGUE IN THERE!!!)  At 71 seconds, both your CIA chips
will leap out of the computer, do a brief waltz on the table, and then
jump back inside the case, huddling in fear.  At 89 seconds, the image of
Bing Crosby will appear on the screen, silently crooning the words from
"I Want to Make Love to your Vomit" by Death Kleenex.  (HOLD ON... ALMOST
FINISHED!!)  Finally, at 104 seconds, you'll lose consciousness.

    When you wake up, you're in BLAZEMONGER CHEAT MODE!!  WaaaHOOOO!!!
(That wasn't so bad now, was it?)  The introductory animation should be
running again, as if nothing had gone wrong, except the pixel at location
<163,25> is displaying the word "cheatmode".

    So, what fun things can we do now?  Click on the "cheatmode" pixel
(don't miss it, or else you have to start all over) and a menu of options
appears:
        (F1)    Help
        (F2)    Jump to level
        (F3)    Infinite lives
        (F4)    Obtain weapons
        (F5)    Edit high score table
        (F6)    Edit graphics
        (F7)    Edit sounds
        (F8)    Edit reality
        (F9)    Remove copy protection
        (F10)    Exit cheat mode

    WAIT!!!  DON'T PRESS ANY FUNCTION KEYS!!!!!!  (Argh, too late.
You'll have to start again....)  Even though it looks tempting, this screen
is a FAKE, intended to fool any ARROGANT PSEUDO-CRACKERS who are STUPID
enough to believe that BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED would put such a WIMPY cheat
screen in the program.  You see, these "cheat" commands REALLY mean:

        (F1)    Low-level format hard drive (no confirmation)
        (F2)    Fry 680x0
        (F3)    Melt Agnus
        (F4)    Remove pins from Paula
        (F5)    Dismember Denise
        (F6)    Sodomize user with mouse
        (F7)    Fill floppies with petroleum jelly
        (F8)    Emit noxious odor
        (F9)    Burst eardrums
        (F10)    Explode, destroying everything in a 2 km radius

So, it would really be best to IGNORE this screen entirely.  Instead,
find a spare RS-232 (modem) cable and, while the Amiga is still turned on,
plug and unplug it in the serial port several times.  The fake menu will
disappear and be replaced by the first screen of BLAZEMONGER Level 1.
Whew!

    Now you're ready to play, but you are actually in cheat mode!  Press
FIRE to start.  The 45,000 crazed nuclear bees will attack as normal, but
THIS time notice that their stingers have no effect!  Yes, you are
INVINCIBLE and ready to play for REAL!  Whip out weapon 91 (brain-eating
plasma -- no other weapons will do it) and WIPE OUT those stupid bees that
have been killing you within the first few seconds EVERY OTHER TIME you
played this game!!  YEAH!!  Doesn't it feel GREAT???  Oh, remember to throw
the plasma at exactly a 61-degree angle (taking the planet's wind into
account, of course) or else it won't work.

    Milliseconds later, the next enemy approaches:  an entire herd of
diabolical, diabetic, diamond-plated Draculas with diarrhea!!  Oh no!!!  But
their evil sugar fixations and bloody stools are no match for your CHEAT
MODE POWER.  In this case, weapon number 3128 (poisonous feather-duster) is
the most effective one to use -- WHAP!!  The entire legion of disgusting
creatures is annihilated instantly.

    Continue on like this, letting the enemies approach, and then using
the right weapon, until you reach the Dark Tower.  Uncle Fester from "The
Addams Family" will let you in, bathe you, and give you the first Key.  You
need to collect all the Keys in preparation for the final battle against
BLAZEMONGER HIMSELF on the last level.  (See the manual, page 168, for more
information.)  This first one is the Key of Intense Gardening, which will
eventually allow you to escape the Vine of Wrathful Grapes on level 750.

    Carefully place the key in your Pouch Of All Things Considered, and
turn to face the staircase going upward.  Step on the first stair, a
trapdoor opens, and you fall...........  Stupid idiot -- NEVER step on the
first stair!!  To get up the staircase, use the following stairs in order:

        2, 3, 6, 7, 40, 2, 3, 6, 7, 40, 2, 3, 6, 7, 40, ...

It will seem like pointless repetition, but after the 16th time, the
staircase trap will be disabled, and you'll be able to climb the steps
normally.  EXCEPT FOR THE FIRST STAIR!!!  Listen, dood...  NEVER use the
first stair of a staircase in BLAZEMONGER, unless there is a Bonus Life on
it or a box of cheese bon-bons with fewer than 3 bon-bons uneaten.  (Except
on level 192, where the rule is reversed.)

    OK.  So now you're at the top of the stairs.  The corridor in front
of you appears to be infinitely long, lined with paintings of famous dead
people who have previously played your copy of BLAZEMONGER.  Well, guess
what?  The corridor IS infinitely long.  You won't die if you walk down it
(thanks to CHEAT MODE), but it is extremely boring.  Instead, drill a hole
in the floor immediately in front of you, and slide your body into the
hole.  Inexplicably, it is filled with liquid nitrogen, but don't worry --
you're in CHEAT MODE, so you don't have to solve this puzzle.  Just duck
your head and swim to the end of the tunnel.  (You'll have to kill a lot of
monsters on the way, but that is simple for you by now.)

    At the end of the tunnel, the liquid nitrogen spills over the edge
into a gigantic meat grinder.  DO NOT go into the meat grinder!!  For some
reason, even CHEAT MODE doesn't protect you here.  [If anybody figures out
why, please let me know!!]  Instead, balance yourself on the edge of the
meat grinder's blades (CAREFULLY...) and jump to the ground.  Now pull the
first lever you see -- it doesn't matter which one it is, as long as it's
the FIRST one you see.  Don't mess up here.  This lever disables a VERY
disgusting trap on level 88 that, even though it can't hurt you in cheat
mode, would have REALLY grossed you out.  It grosses me out just thinking
about it.  Those poor poodles.

    At this point, you should be just about next to the sign that says
"Level 2 this way ----->".  Ignore the arrow -- it's a lie (of course).
Tear down the sign and eat it.  NOW follow the direction that the arrow used
to point.  Keep a little bit of the sign in your mouth because you'll need it
in a few levels when you reach the Otter Keeper.

                W H E W !

    Well, that's all for this month's installment!!  Until next time,
DOODZ, Keep On BLAZIN'!!

DISCLAIMER:    These cheats apply only to the original BLAZEMONGER version
        1.00000000000.  Later versions are "cheat-protected" and are
        REALLY tough to get into.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
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---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.